When you come to a person with a problem, most people’s initial reaction is to want to help. How can we solve this, what can we change to make this better? So they suggest modifications in behavior, in venues, in habits, and if you wholeheartedly want a problem solved, you make the changes and see what happens.
But what if nothing happens? What if the problem remains and you remain impacted by the problem? What happens if you keep trying to solve it by talking to those same people? Is there a limit to what people will listen to? Is there a point at which you have tried everything and are absolved of responsibility? Or is it always that you are not trying hard enough?
I used to think that everything could be overcome by strength of will and powering through. That you were the sum total of your ability to take care of yourself and forge your way. I didn’t give much consideration to the impact the people around you might have. Oh, to be part of a collective would be nice, of course, and it might even make things easier, but it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t give any thought to environment and place at all.
The lesson this year has been clear; not everything can be powered through. Not everything can be solved by you alone. Not everything can be changed by a mindset. Sometimes things just don’t fit.
It’s been a hard lesson to learn, and a harder one to internalize. It goes against my nature to think that things can’t be overcome by strength of will or by knowing when to let go at just the right time. It’s been harder still to come to the realization that you don’t have control over all aspects of your life. Especially when surrounded by people telling you that you do.
“You should worry less.” “You should relax.” “Try getting a different job.” “Don’t hang out in the same places all the time.” “If you were happier you’d get what you want.” “Why can’t you look on the positive side?” “You’re just hanging out with the wrong people.” The last one’s my favorite, I think; it’s been said to me by four different groups of people, and I wonder how much more I would have to diversify my friends to not be told that’s the solution to the problem.
Sometimes you have done all you can to get the things you need in life. You have worried less; you have accepted yourself and lived in the moment; you have gotten jobs to meet new people; you have focused on the positive and been grateful for what you have; you have tried to share your enthusiasm to get more back; you have gone to new bars and hangouts and events; you have accepted every offer from every potential new friend who could hold a basic conversation and some who couldn’t. And still, nothing has changed and the problem remains the same.
Take that strength of will before its spent, take that energy before its tapped out, take that knowledge of when to fight and when to let go, and let go. Open your hands and let it all go because maybe this time, it isn’t you after all. Not everything should be a fight, and nothing should be a struggle without an eventual reward.



